Susana Alicia Huerta

Hello all,

     We let me be frank with you.  This last 6 days has been rough.  My baby sister passed away on May 11th.  She was only 19 years old.  She was on her way home from Texas A&M CC after completing her Freshman year.  She was an honors student. She was also my #1 supporter on my journey to spread the word about co sleeping.  Here is a quote I found in a paper on her jump drive today,

"I am proud of my entire academic career but my greatest accomplishment has been writing two papers on co-sleeping in memory of my late nephew. I am proud that I have been able to educate at least one person on the dangers of co-sleeping and the common signs of SIDS. I hope to be able to make a presentation to the TAMUCC Women’s Center and spread awareness."  

I know that it seems like all of my blogs are just sad, I don't mean for them to be! Please bare with me through this journey of healing.  I am just going to have to start over.  I haven't cried since Saturday.  Am I numb? Am I still in shock? I am not too sure. I can tell you that I am definatly not ok.  I'm a little mad, sad and sometimes lost.  My little sister was there with me every step of the way after Tyler's death.  She was adament about being with me on Tyler's 1st birthday last October to take pictures. I was so lucky to be able to get one of her and myself. 

 I would sometimes panic and random hours about making sure that I was able to get all of Tyler's pictures from everyone's computer. I would call her and she would answer no matter the time and assure me that she would get all the pictures.  This happened more than once!! Susana also taught me how to say "I love you" no matter what.  We didn't grow up always saying it, so I had to get used to it .  I now have no problem telling anyone how much they mean to me. I just pray that she knew how much I loved her.

We went and saw the car today.  We cleaned it out.  I am not sure what to say about that. I am not sure how I actually felt about it. We have been told over and over again that she did not suffer. That gives our family a little comfort. Susana was buried next to my son on Sunday. There was this bird that kept chirping and chirping.  When we got back to San Antonio to my mom's house, that bird was still chirping.  I guess she found her way home!

We had two services for Susana.  She went to junior high and high school in San Antonio, so we had a service in San Antinio Saturday.  There were tons of people there.  My sister meant so much to so many people.  There was so much love there.  The service on Sunday was also beautiful. We had it in La Grange and lots of family and friends also showed up. There was these three girls who showed up that she went to college with. They told us how much Susana loved her family and that she missed us so much.

Well I have tons more to say, and I will write more blogs about Susana.  I encourage you to read her obit.  It will give you a better idea about how awesome she was. 

http://www.fayettememorialfuneralhome.com/

Love,

Marisa

So I went to the cemetary today.....

I had plans to go to a friends house to dye eggs with Kayleigh and that didn't pan out, on the bright side Kayleigh did catch her first fish all by herself with her dad.  So I decided that I was going to go to the cemetary and check out the decorations that some dear friends put out there for Tyler.  I have been saying for two weeks that I was going out there.  I just couldn't. I felt like I needed to today. I got in the my jeep and headed to Round Top.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I was going to visit my son at the cemetary.  I am not sure why it was all of a sudden so hard, but I am guessing that last Easter I was still numb.  The ride seemed longer than usual.  I couldn't get there fast enough, even though I really just wanted to turn around.  I felt conflicted.  I remember thinking to myself that this is not what is meant by spreading your time between your children evenly.  I sobbed the whole way there. This was not my first trip to the cemetary, but the idea that I was going to take him an egg at the cemetary tore me up inside. After what seemed like hours, even though it was only 15 minutes I pulled into the cemetary and spotted his tree.  I grabbed the camo egg and and got out of my jeep.  I immediatly went into mommy mode and began cleaning up his plot.  After I was done I got chair out and just sat there.  I sat at his grave and sobbed.  I sobbed and sobbed. I was hoping that if I fell asleep maybe I would dream we were together again.  I wanted to dream about his smell and maybe feel his skin next to me.  Between my sobbing, I would stare at his headstone.  "Mommy's sweet baby boy", that is what is says.  I read it over and over again.  This isn't real.  I am not sitting in a chair at my son's grave.  This is not natural.  I picked up the frog that was left there for him and just held it.  It was like it was Tyler and I sitting there.  This is how I am supposed to spend time with my son.  At the end of each visit, I kiss a granite rock.  I walk away and then I stop and turn around and look.  I say good bye again and say I will be back.  I get in my jeep and drive away.  I feel like I am abondoning my baby. I have to leave him there all alone.  On my drive home I cried.  I picked up the frog and clenched it.  There was dirt on it.  I cried out again.  This was dirt from Tyler's grave.  I felt closer to him. I held the frog as close to me as I could.  It was like I was holding my baby.  I am holding a stuffed animal with dirt on it.  Dirt from my baby's grave.  This is my reality. I will sleep with that frog tonight and pray that I have dreams of my baby.


Marisa

Asking for Prayers

I am asking for prayers for my daughter Kayleigh.  Her Asthma is really taking a toll on her right now.  She hasn't been this bad since she was a year old.  Her doctor wants to see her again on Friday to check her. He also thinks she may have a pollup in her nostril.  Ok so just a quick blog asking for prayers!!


Thanks,

Marisa

What a weekend!

Hey all! Well my mom and Tim came down! I was so excited.  Sometimes I feel so lonely in a room full of people, so having family around is awesome! I am starting to feel better about sharing my story. I have recieved several messages from parents telling me how my story has made them rethink bed sharing!! woo hoo way to go "Team Tyler".  Well we had a scare early Sunday morning with Kayleigh.  She had her first Asthma attack in 5 years! My mom and I took her to the ER, and she was so brave.  She was wired and still is.  I sat her down today and talked to her.  I told her that just because I have been talking about Tyler alot lately does not mean that I love him more that her.  I always feel so guilty.  I know Tyler is in Heaven, but he is still my son, and I want to give him attention too.  No, I don't mean walk around and talk to him like he is in the car with me, I just feel like he deserves to be recognized too.  I love both of my children! I have been so blessed to have Kayleigh by my side.  She is my angel on Earth.  I make sure I tell her every day how much I love her and how proud I am of her.  So everyone who is reading this, don't forget to tell the important people in your life how much you love them.  I am headed to bed.  Didn't sleep very well last night, I kept checking on Kayleigh. Do me a favor and say a little prayer for her.  :)

Thanks,
Marisa

Link

PS here is the link to the interview http://www.click2houston.com/  look for Cosleeping can be dangerous.  Please share this.  I want to reach as many people as possible.

So now that has aired.......

Well I am not gongg to lie, I went to bed early last night.  My heart was hurting.  I knew when I agreed to speak with the media that people would have their own opinions, but I guess I just didn't think that they would be cruel.  I was also warned not to read the comments!! Oh well, the positve responses out weigh the negative comments.  I was a little upset that they reported that Tyler was facedown, because he wasn't, he was on his belly with his head turned to the side.  I am not sure why I always feel I have to explain myself!! I am just soooooo happy that I am able to tell my story.  So here you go, here is my story, well here is a part of it.  I will fill you all in as time goes on.

I am 26 and I have given birth to two very special children.  Kayleigh, who will be 6 in April, is my angel on Earth, and Tyler 10-7-09 to 01-11-10 is my angel in Heaven.  I am divorced and work and go to school.  I am also Kayleigh's tball coach!! I am really proud of that!

Here is a rundown of Tyler's story

The night before his death, Kayleigh stayed at her dad's house, so it was just Tyler and I at home.  It was a normal evening, laundry, bath, and of course dinner! Tyler ate sweet potatoes and squash that night.  I have to abmit, I still have the empty jars.  I sat in his swing and bumpo as I did laundry.  When I was done, I nursed him.  That night was the first time he ever reached up and grabbed my hair. He looked right into my eyes and he nursed.  I remember thanking God for this special moment.  I knew at that moment that Tyler knew who I was .  It was so special.  I can still remember the feeling of pure joy I felt.  Tyler fell asleep and we went and layed down around 10:30 pm.  Tyler usually woke up around 2:30am to nurse.  He never woke up.  My alarm went off at 6:30am.  I was still laying on my side and Tyler was still on his belly wish his head turned to the side.  I reached over and felt his feet.  I love baby feet!! I said, "Oh sorry baby, mommy needs to put socks on you!" They were very cold.  I then reached over to his belly as an instinct.  I didn't feel it move.  I said, "No, no,no!" I tried again, and again it didn't move.  I jumped up and grabbed him. I screamed at him, "Tyler, Tyler,wake up baby, come on wake up!" "Please!" I knew he was dead, but I kept screaming. I let out a sound that I can't explain.  It was of sheer terror.  I just kept screaming,"NO, NO, NO!" I put Tyler back on the bed and grabbed my house and cell phone.  I called 911 and screamed," Please help me, my baby is dead, he is dead." I was shaking so bad my voice was trembling and I could barely hold on to the phone.  I called my mom, and screamed over and over again, "Mom, Tyler is dead, he's dead!" I learned later that as she went to wake everyone she collapsed.  My son was named after my brother Lee Carlos who passed away at birth.  Not only did she have to relive his death, she lost her grandson and had to stay strong for me.  My mom lives in San Antonio, so she called my landlord at the time who also happen to live across the pasture.  She showed up and I was still shaking. She ran in and came out crying and shaking her head.  She too knew he was dead.  I was too scared to go back in.  I am still upset about that.  Why did I leave my baby alone? Why didn't I go back in.  Why??????????? I finally went back in after he was pronounced dead and the pastor showed up to baptize him.  I then held him and told him I was so sorry, mommy didn't mean to. I had failed him.  When the funeral home showed up and quickly handed him over.  I thought that once they were able to clean him up a little, I would hold him longer.  I was just so scared and I couldn't stand seeing him the way he looked.  That is the image I will never forget.  I occasionally have flashbacks.  Well I will be honest, it has been a year and I have atleast one a day.  The next morning I went to the funeral home and my family was there.  We talked for a bit and then I looked at the director and said, " So I can hold him now?"  He said no.  He wasn't being mean, I found out later that he thought it would be too hard.  I screamed, " If I would have known this, I wouldn't have let my baby go so easy!" I was devasted. My heart literally hurt.  I felt a physical pain.  That's ok, when nobody was looking and I went and put socks on him and looked him over.  Hey, I was still his mommy right?? He looked handsome. My sweet baby, his hands were still so soft. He looked just like he was sleeping.  I have to say, the worst part of all of this was telling my daughter that Tyler went to Heaven.  I will never forget the look on her face.  She was hurting.  I felt like I had failed as a mother.  She looked at me and said," Mommy, why didn't God take me?" I wanted to throw up.  My poor baby.  I had to explain that God needed an angel baby, and that he knew that I would need her here on Earth.  She still sometimes tells me that she wishes she could go to Heaven to see her brother.  I also tell her that one day we will see him, but God just isn't ready for us yet. My brother and godfather picked out a beautiful place under a tree for Tyler.  I will admit, I used to go out and lay on his grave and cry.  I carried so much guilt.  I played the "what if'" game. I have learned over time that God has his reasons, though it doesn't take my pain away, it helps me move forward. Thank you all for following me on my journey of healing.

Marisa
Ps. Kayleigh is my ladybug and Tyler is my little frog :)

WOW!

So I read my blog from yesterday! Seemed a bit nuts didnt I???? Yesterday was very emotional.  I had my first interview about my little man, and let me tell y'all something, I felt like it was January 22,2010 again.  I felt the physical pain that I felt the day I found him. I am pretty sure I know what a broken heart feels like. I am picking up the pieces of mine, but occasionally I drop a piece. I have put on a brave smile for a year, but now it's time to share my story and reach out!! I was on FB one afternoon and I saw this event about, "Wearing a bow for Maddie".  My first though was oh poor baby must be sick.  I clicked on the link and started reading Kellie's blog.  I sat in my office and read and cried.This woman was feeling my pain.  I hurt for her.  Damnit, this is not fare.  I was sad and mad at the same time.  Wait, I am supposed to be strong and smile.  I am ok.  I am a strong woman.  That's what everyone was telling me and I kind of felt guilty.  I would smile in their faces and cry myself to sleep at home.  I sent Kellie a message and she quickly responded.  I was offering my shoulder for her to cry on.  I didn't want her to do what I had been doing.  I wanted her to mourn.  She would text at random times and I would always try to have my phone to respond quickly.  Then there was one day where I just broke down. I couldn't keep this act up.  I was hurting.  I went to sleep knowing my baby died and my first thought when I woke up was my baby died.  Kelly became my shoulder.  I took her Thursdays and she took my Fridays.  Maddie passed on Thursay, and Tyler on Friday. So here I am. Marisa. Still hurting. My new friend Kellie is my inspiration.  So sit back, relax and follow me on this journey of healing.  I am pretty candid, so dont be shy!

Tonight channel 2 KPRC Houston or http://www.click2houston.com/
 Get to know me a little more, spread the word!!

Peace, Love and Lady bugs and frogs,

Marisa