So I went to the cemetary today.....

I had plans to go to a friends house to dye eggs with Kayleigh and that didn't pan out, on the bright side Kayleigh did catch her first fish all by herself with her dad.  So I decided that I was going to go to the cemetary and check out the decorations that some dear friends put out there for Tyler.  I have been saying for two weeks that I was going out there.  I just couldn't. I felt like I needed to today. I got in the my jeep and headed to Round Top.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I was going to visit my son at the cemetary.  I am not sure why it was all of a sudden so hard, but I am guessing that last Easter I was still numb.  The ride seemed longer than usual.  I couldn't get there fast enough, even though I really just wanted to turn around.  I felt conflicted.  I remember thinking to myself that this is not what is meant by spreading your time between your children evenly.  I sobbed the whole way there. This was not my first trip to the cemetary, but the idea that I was going to take him an egg at the cemetary tore me up inside. After what seemed like hours, even though it was only 15 minutes I pulled into the cemetary and spotted his tree.  I grabbed the camo egg and and got out of my jeep.  I immediatly went into mommy mode and began cleaning up his plot.  After I was done I got chair out and just sat there.  I sat at his grave and sobbed.  I sobbed and sobbed. I was hoping that if I fell asleep maybe I would dream we were together again.  I wanted to dream about his smell and maybe feel his skin next to me.  Between my sobbing, I would stare at his headstone.  "Mommy's sweet baby boy", that is what is says.  I read it over and over again.  This isn't real.  I am not sitting in a chair at my son's grave.  This is not natural.  I picked up the frog that was left there for him and just held it.  It was like it was Tyler and I sitting there.  This is how I am supposed to spend time with my son.  At the end of each visit, I kiss a granite rock.  I walk away and then I stop and turn around and look.  I say good bye again and say I will be back.  I get in my jeep and drive away.  I feel like I am abondoning my baby. I have to leave him there all alone.  On my drive home I cried.  I picked up the frog and clenched it.  There was dirt on it.  I cried out again.  This was dirt from Tyler's grave.  I felt closer to him. I held the frog as close to me as I could.  It was like I was holding my baby.  I am holding a stuffed animal with dirt on it.  Dirt from my baby's grave.  This is my reality. I will sleep with that frog tonight and pray that I have dreams of my baby.


Marisa