So I went to the cemetary today.....

I had plans to go to a friends house to dye eggs with Kayleigh and that didn't pan out, on the bright side Kayleigh did catch her first fish all by herself with her dad.  So I decided that I was going to go to the cemetary and check out the decorations that some dear friends put out there for Tyler.  I have been saying for two weeks that I was going out there.  I just couldn't. I felt like I needed to today. I got in the my jeep and headed to Round Top.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I was going to visit my son at the cemetary.  I am not sure why it was all of a sudden so hard, but I am guessing that last Easter I was still numb.  The ride seemed longer than usual.  I couldn't get there fast enough, even though I really just wanted to turn around.  I felt conflicted.  I remember thinking to myself that this is not what is meant by spreading your time between your children evenly.  I sobbed the whole way there. This was not my first trip to the cemetary, but the idea that I was going to take him an egg at the cemetary tore me up inside. After what seemed like hours, even though it was only 15 minutes I pulled into the cemetary and spotted his tree.  I grabbed the camo egg and and got out of my jeep.  I immediatly went into mommy mode and began cleaning up his plot.  After I was done I got chair out and just sat there.  I sat at his grave and sobbed.  I sobbed and sobbed. I was hoping that if I fell asleep maybe I would dream we were together again.  I wanted to dream about his smell and maybe feel his skin next to me.  Between my sobbing, I would stare at his headstone.  "Mommy's sweet baby boy", that is what is says.  I read it over and over again.  This isn't real.  I am not sitting in a chair at my son's grave.  This is not natural.  I picked up the frog that was left there for him and just held it.  It was like it was Tyler and I sitting there.  This is how I am supposed to spend time with my son.  At the end of each visit, I kiss a granite rock.  I walk away and then I stop and turn around and look.  I say good bye again and say I will be back.  I get in my jeep and drive away.  I feel like I am abondoning my baby. I have to leave him there all alone.  On my drive home I cried.  I picked up the frog and clenched it.  There was dirt on it.  I cried out again.  This was dirt from Tyler's grave.  I felt closer to him. I held the frog as close to me as I could.  It was like I was holding my baby.  I am holding a stuffed animal with dirt on it.  Dirt from my baby's grave.  This is my reality. I will sleep with that frog tonight and pray that I have dreams of my baby.


Marisa

Asking for Prayers

I am asking for prayers for my daughter Kayleigh.  Her Asthma is really taking a toll on her right now.  She hasn't been this bad since she was a year old.  Her doctor wants to see her again on Friday to check her. He also thinks she may have a pollup in her nostril.  Ok so just a quick blog asking for prayers!!


Thanks,

Marisa

What a weekend!

Hey all! Well my mom and Tim came down! I was so excited.  Sometimes I feel so lonely in a room full of people, so having family around is awesome! I am starting to feel better about sharing my story. I have recieved several messages from parents telling me how my story has made them rethink bed sharing!! woo hoo way to go "Team Tyler".  Well we had a scare early Sunday morning with Kayleigh.  She had her first Asthma attack in 5 years! My mom and I took her to the ER, and she was so brave.  She was wired and still is.  I sat her down today and talked to her.  I told her that just because I have been talking about Tyler alot lately does not mean that I love him more that her.  I always feel so guilty.  I know Tyler is in Heaven, but he is still my son, and I want to give him attention too.  No, I don't mean walk around and talk to him like he is in the car with me, I just feel like he deserves to be recognized too.  I love both of my children! I have been so blessed to have Kayleigh by my side.  She is my angel on Earth.  I make sure I tell her every day how much I love her and how proud I am of her.  So everyone who is reading this, don't forget to tell the important people in your life how much you love them.  I am headed to bed.  Didn't sleep very well last night, I kept checking on Kayleigh. Do me a favor and say a little prayer for her.  :)

Thanks,
Marisa