Thursday, March 31, 2011
Link
PS here is the link to the interview http://www.click2houston.com/ look for Cosleeping can be dangerous. Please share this. I want to reach as many people as possible.
So now that has aired.......
Well I am not gongg to lie, I went to bed early last night. My heart was hurting. I knew when I agreed to speak with the media that people would have their own opinions, but I guess I just didn't think that they would be cruel. I was also warned not to read the comments!! Oh well, the positve responses out weigh the negative comments. I was a little upset that they reported that Tyler was facedown, because he wasn't, he was on his belly with his head turned to the side. I am not sure why I always feel I have to explain myself!! I am just soooooo happy that I am able to tell my story. So here you go, here is my story, well here is a part of it. I will fill you all in as time goes on.
I am 26 and I have given birth to two very special children. Kayleigh, who will be 6 in April, is my angel on Earth, and Tyler 10-7-09 to 01-11-10 is my angel in Heaven. I am divorced and work and go to school. I am also Kayleigh's tball coach!! I am really proud of that!
Here is a rundown of Tyler's story
The night before his death, Kayleigh stayed at her dad's house, so it was just Tyler and I at home. It was a normal evening, laundry, bath, and of course dinner! Tyler ate sweet potatoes and squash that night. I have to abmit, I still have the empty jars. I sat in his swing and bumpo as I did laundry. When I was done, I nursed him. That night was the first time he ever reached up and grabbed my hair. He looked right into my eyes and he nursed. I remember thanking God for this special moment. I knew at that moment that Tyler knew who I was . It was so special. I can still remember the feeling of pure joy I felt. Tyler fell asleep and we went and layed down around 10:30 pm. Tyler usually woke up around 2:30am to nurse. He never woke up. My alarm went off at 6:30am. I was still laying on my side and Tyler was still on his belly wish his head turned to the side. I reached over and felt his feet. I love baby feet!! I said, "Oh sorry baby, mommy needs to put socks on you!" They were very cold. I then reached over to his belly as an instinct. I didn't feel it move. I said, "No, no,no!" I tried again, and again it didn't move. I jumped up and grabbed him. I screamed at him, "Tyler, Tyler,wake up baby, come on wake up!" "Please!" I knew he was dead, but I kept screaming. I let out a sound that I can't explain. It was of sheer terror. I just kept screaming,"NO, NO, NO!" I put Tyler back on the bed and grabbed my house and cell phone. I called 911 and screamed," Please help me, my baby is dead, he is dead." I was shaking so bad my voice was trembling and I could barely hold on to the phone. I called my mom, and screamed over and over again, "Mom, Tyler is dead, he's dead!" I learned later that as she went to wake everyone she collapsed. My son was named after my brother Lee Carlos who passed away at birth. Not only did she have to relive his death, she lost her grandson and had to stay strong for me. My mom lives in San Antonio, so she called my landlord at the time who also happen to live across the pasture. She showed up and I was still shaking. She ran in and came out crying and shaking her head. She too knew he was dead. I was too scared to go back in. I am still upset about that. Why did I leave my baby alone? Why didn't I go back in. Why??????????? I finally went back in after he was pronounced dead and the pastor showed up to baptize him. I then held him and told him I was so sorry, mommy didn't mean to. I had failed him. When the funeral home showed up and quickly handed him over. I thought that once they were able to clean him up a little, I would hold him longer. I was just so scared and I couldn't stand seeing him the way he looked. That is the image I will never forget. I occasionally have flashbacks. Well I will be honest, it has been a year and I have atleast one a day. The next morning I went to the funeral home and my family was there. We talked for a bit and then I looked at the director and said, " So I can hold him now?" He said no. He wasn't being mean, I found out later that he thought it would be too hard. I screamed, " If I would have known this, I wouldn't have let my baby go so easy!" I was devasted. My heart literally hurt. I felt a physical pain. That's ok, when nobody was looking and I went and put socks on him and looked him over. Hey, I was still his mommy right?? He looked handsome. My sweet baby, his hands were still so soft. He looked just like he was sleeping. I have to say, the worst part of all of this was telling my daughter that Tyler went to Heaven. I will never forget the look on her face. She was hurting. I felt like I had failed as a mother. She looked at me and said," Mommy, why didn't God take me?" I wanted to throw up. My poor baby. I had to explain that God needed an angel baby, and that he knew that I would need her here on Earth. She still sometimes tells me that she wishes she could go to Heaven to see her brother. I also tell her that one day we will see him, but God just isn't ready for us yet. My brother and godfather picked out a beautiful place under a tree for Tyler. I will admit, I used to go out and lay on his grave and cry. I carried so much guilt. I played the "what if'" game. I have learned over time that God has his reasons, though it doesn't take my pain away, it helps me move forward. Thank you all for following me on my journey of healing.
Marisa
Ps. Kayleigh is my ladybug and Tyler is my little frog :)
I am 26 and I have given birth to two very special children. Kayleigh, who will be 6 in April, is my angel on Earth, and Tyler 10-7-09 to 01-11-10 is my angel in Heaven. I am divorced and work and go to school. I am also Kayleigh's tball coach!! I am really proud of that!
Here is a rundown of Tyler's story
The night before his death, Kayleigh stayed at her dad's house, so it was just Tyler and I at home. It was a normal evening, laundry, bath, and of course dinner! Tyler ate sweet potatoes and squash that night. I have to abmit, I still have the empty jars. I sat in his swing and bumpo as I did laundry. When I was done, I nursed him. That night was the first time he ever reached up and grabbed my hair. He looked right into my eyes and he nursed. I remember thanking God for this special moment. I knew at that moment that Tyler knew who I was . It was so special. I can still remember the feeling of pure joy I felt. Tyler fell asleep and we went and layed down around 10:30 pm. Tyler usually woke up around 2:30am to nurse. He never woke up. My alarm went off at 6:30am. I was still laying on my side and Tyler was still on his belly wish his head turned to the side. I reached over and felt his feet. I love baby feet!! I said, "Oh sorry baby, mommy needs to put socks on you!" They were very cold. I then reached over to his belly as an instinct. I didn't feel it move. I said, "No, no,no!" I tried again, and again it didn't move. I jumped up and grabbed him. I screamed at him, "Tyler, Tyler,wake up baby, come on wake up!" "Please!" I knew he was dead, but I kept screaming. I let out a sound that I can't explain. It was of sheer terror. I just kept screaming,"NO, NO, NO!" I put Tyler back on the bed and grabbed my house and cell phone. I called 911 and screamed," Please help me, my baby is dead, he is dead." I was shaking so bad my voice was trembling and I could barely hold on to the phone. I called my mom, and screamed over and over again, "Mom, Tyler is dead, he's dead!" I learned later that as she went to wake everyone she collapsed. My son was named after my brother Lee Carlos who passed away at birth. Not only did she have to relive his death, she lost her grandson and had to stay strong for me. My mom lives in San Antonio, so she called my landlord at the time who also happen to live across the pasture. She showed up and I was still shaking. She ran in and came out crying and shaking her head. She too knew he was dead. I was too scared to go back in. I am still upset about that. Why did I leave my baby alone? Why didn't I go back in. Why??????????? I finally went back in after he was pronounced dead and the pastor showed up to baptize him. I then held him and told him I was so sorry, mommy didn't mean to. I had failed him. When the funeral home showed up and quickly handed him over. I thought that once they were able to clean him up a little, I would hold him longer. I was just so scared and I couldn't stand seeing him the way he looked. That is the image I will never forget. I occasionally have flashbacks. Well I will be honest, it has been a year and I have atleast one a day. The next morning I went to the funeral home and my family was there. We talked for a bit and then I looked at the director and said, " So I can hold him now?" He said no. He wasn't being mean, I found out later that he thought it would be too hard. I screamed, " If I would have known this, I wouldn't have let my baby go so easy!" I was devasted. My heart literally hurt. I felt a physical pain. That's ok, when nobody was looking and I went and put socks on him and looked him over. Hey, I was still his mommy right?? He looked handsome. My sweet baby, his hands were still so soft. He looked just like he was sleeping. I have to say, the worst part of all of this was telling my daughter that Tyler went to Heaven. I will never forget the look on her face. She was hurting. I felt like I had failed as a mother. She looked at me and said," Mommy, why didn't God take me?" I wanted to throw up. My poor baby. I had to explain that God needed an angel baby, and that he knew that I would need her here on Earth. She still sometimes tells me that she wishes she could go to Heaven to see her brother. I also tell her that one day we will see him, but God just isn't ready for us yet. My brother and godfather picked out a beautiful place under a tree for Tyler. I will admit, I used to go out and lay on his grave and cry. I carried so much guilt. I played the "what if'" game. I have learned over time that God has his reasons, though it doesn't take my pain away, it helps me move forward. Thank you all for following me on my journey of healing.
Marisa
Ps. Kayleigh is my ladybug and Tyler is my little frog :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
WOW!
So I read my blog from yesterday! Seemed a bit nuts didnt I???? Yesterday was very emotional. I had my first interview about my little man, and let me tell y'all something, I felt like it was January 22,2010 again. I felt the physical pain that I felt the day I found him. I am pretty sure I know what a broken heart feels like. I am picking up the pieces of mine, but occasionally I drop a piece. I have put on a brave smile for a year, but now it's time to share my story and reach out!! I was on FB one afternoon and I saw this event about, "Wearing a bow for Maddie". My first though was oh poor baby must be sick. I clicked on the link and started reading Kellie's blog. I sat in my office and read and cried.This woman was feeling my pain. I hurt for her. Damnit, this is not fare. I was sad and mad at the same time. Wait, I am supposed to be strong and smile. I am ok. I am a strong woman. That's what everyone was telling me and I kind of felt guilty. I would smile in their faces and cry myself to sleep at home. I sent Kellie a message and she quickly responded. I was offering my shoulder for her to cry on. I didn't want her to do what I had been doing. I wanted her to mourn. She would text at random times and I would always try to have my phone to respond quickly. Then there was one day where I just broke down. I couldn't keep this act up. I was hurting. I went to sleep knowing my baby died and my first thought when I woke up was my baby died. Kelly became my shoulder. I took her Thursdays and she took my Fridays. Maddie passed on Thursay, and Tyler on Friday. So here I am. Marisa. Still hurting. My new friend Kellie is my inspiration. So sit back, relax and follow me on this journey of healing. I am pretty candid, so dont be shy!
Tonight channel 2 KPRC Houston or http://www.click2houston.com/
Get to know me a little more, spread the word!!
Peace, Love and Lady bugs and frogs,
Marisa
Tonight channel 2 KPRC Houston or http://www.click2houston.com/
Get to know me a little more, spread the word!!
Peace, Love and Lady bugs and frogs,
Marisa
Monday, March 28, 2011
www.babyroomtobreathe.org
Hi! I am Marisa, a mother of two, one in Heaven and my daughter is almost 6. Yea, I really hate having to explain that I have a child in Heaven. Tyler passed away on January 22,2010. He was three moths and 15 days old. He died next to me. I never moved and he never moved. His death certificate says accidental suffication. I wanted to throw up when I read it. I didn't roll on him and no there wasn't a blanket on his head. The one thing that Tyler and many otherc children who have died have in common is that he was sleeping with me on an adult mattress. I am new to this and have tons of things that I want to say running through my head, so I am going to collect my thoughts and get back to you! If it wasn't for my new friend Kellie I couldn't have done this!
Marisa
Marisa
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