So now that has aired.......

Well I am not gongg to lie, I went to bed early last night.  My heart was hurting.  I knew when I agreed to speak with the media that people would have their own opinions, but I guess I just didn't think that they would be cruel.  I was also warned not to read the comments!! Oh well, the positve responses out weigh the negative comments.  I was a little upset that they reported that Tyler was facedown, because he wasn't, he was on his belly with his head turned to the side.  I am not sure why I always feel I have to explain myself!! I am just soooooo happy that I am able to tell my story.  So here you go, here is my story, well here is a part of it.  I will fill you all in as time goes on.

I am 26 and I have given birth to two very special children.  Kayleigh, who will be 6 in April, is my angel on Earth, and Tyler 10-7-09 to 01-11-10 is my angel in Heaven.  I am divorced and work and go to school.  I am also Kayleigh's tball coach!! I am really proud of that!

Here is a rundown of Tyler's story

The night before his death, Kayleigh stayed at her dad's house, so it was just Tyler and I at home.  It was a normal evening, laundry, bath, and of course dinner! Tyler ate sweet potatoes and squash that night.  I have to abmit, I still have the empty jars.  I sat in his swing and bumpo as I did laundry.  When I was done, I nursed him.  That night was the first time he ever reached up and grabbed my hair. He looked right into my eyes and he nursed.  I remember thanking God for this special moment.  I knew at that moment that Tyler knew who I was .  It was so special.  I can still remember the feeling of pure joy I felt.  Tyler fell asleep and we went and layed down around 10:30 pm.  Tyler usually woke up around 2:30am to nurse.  He never woke up.  My alarm went off at 6:30am.  I was still laying on my side and Tyler was still on his belly wish his head turned to the side.  I reached over and felt his feet.  I love baby feet!! I said, "Oh sorry baby, mommy needs to put socks on you!" They were very cold.  I then reached over to his belly as an instinct.  I didn't feel it move.  I said, "No, no,no!" I tried again, and again it didn't move.  I jumped up and grabbed him. I screamed at him, "Tyler, Tyler,wake up baby, come on wake up!" "Please!" I knew he was dead, but I kept screaming. I let out a sound that I can't explain.  It was of sheer terror.  I just kept screaming,"NO, NO, NO!" I put Tyler back on the bed and grabbed my house and cell phone.  I called 911 and screamed," Please help me, my baby is dead, he is dead." I was shaking so bad my voice was trembling and I could barely hold on to the phone.  I called my mom, and screamed over and over again, "Mom, Tyler is dead, he's dead!" I learned later that as she went to wake everyone she collapsed.  My son was named after my brother Lee Carlos who passed away at birth.  Not only did she have to relive his death, she lost her grandson and had to stay strong for me.  My mom lives in San Antonio, so she called my landlord at the time who also happen to live across the pasture.  She showed up and I was still shaking. She ran in and came out crying and shaking her head.  She too knew he was dead.  I was too scared to go back in.  I am still upset about that.  Why did I leave my baby alone? Why didn't I go back in.  Why??????????? I finally went back in after he was pronounced dead and the pastor showed up to baptize him.  I then held him and told him I was so sorry, mommy didn't mean to. I had failed him.  When the funeral home showed up and quickly handed him over.  I thought that once they were able to clean him up a little, I would hold him longer.  I was just so scared and I couldn't stand seeing him the way he looked.  That is the image I will never forget.  I occasionally have flashbacks.  Well I will be honest, it has been a year and I have atleast one a day.  The next morning I went to the funeral home and my family was there.  We talked for a bit and then I looked at the director and said, " So I can hold him now?"  He said no.  He wasn't being mean, I found out later that he thought it would be too hard.  I screamed, " If I would have known this, I wouldn't have let my baby go so easy!" I was devasted. My heart literally hurt.  I felt a physical pain.  That's ok, when nobody was looking and I went and put socks on him and looked him over.  Hey, I was still his mommy right?? He looked handsome. My sweet baby, his hands were still so soft. He looked just like he was sleeping.  I have to say, the worst part of all of this was telling my daughter that Tyler went to Heaven.  I will never forget the look on her face.  She was hurting.  I felt like I had failed as a mother.  She looked at me and said," Mommy, why didn't God take me?" I wanted to throw up.  My poor baby.  I had to explain that God needed an angel baby, and that he knew that I would need her here on Earth.  She still sometimes tells me that she wishes she could go to Heaven to see her brother.  I also tell her that one day we will see him, but God just isn't ready for us yet. My brother and godfather picked out a beautiful place under a tree for Tyler.  I will admit, I used to go out and lay on his grave and cry.  I carried so much guilt.  I played the "what if'" game. I have learned over time that God has his reasons, though it doesn't take my pain away, it helps me move forward. Thank you all for following me on my journey of healing.

Marisa
Ps. Kayleigh is my ladybug and Tyler is my little frog :)